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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.