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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?