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When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?