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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.