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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.