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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
AWESOME!
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.