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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
I like the part of the day when food happens.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"