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All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.