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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.