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For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.