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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.