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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.