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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I’m bored enough to clean.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".