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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I want it all and I want it delivered.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me