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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
exercise........you mean extra fries
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.