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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.