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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.