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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box