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My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.