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I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.