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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.