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It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.