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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.