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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m