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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.