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This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.