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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)