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I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!