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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
really vry funny
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now Iām drunk.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.