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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.