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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels