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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.