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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."