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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Your things are terrific.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?