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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?