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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."