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I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.