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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.