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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.