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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!