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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman