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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I just made you think of an elephant
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
status uploading
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.