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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Girls just wanna have funds.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?