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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.