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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
I have nothing!
Back in my day we had 9 planets.