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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.