Daily Silly Status

I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane

Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things

There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.

If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry

I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.

Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.

I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.

I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.

I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.

Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."

A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.