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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.