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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.