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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.