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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.