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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch