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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.