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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.