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I hate when Iām about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?