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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.