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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.