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It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.