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I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Not so great minds also think alike.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...