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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.