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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.