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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.