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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)