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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.