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Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.