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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Today one of my colleague told...... Buddy let get into serious studies... exams are on our heads.... And then both of us continued to chat with other people on fb for hours
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I just threw up my weekend.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.