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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.