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Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.