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It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`