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Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.