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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought Iād take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.