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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Walmart needs observation decks.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds