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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.