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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.