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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie