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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!