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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”